The Self-Conscious Mind
Battling self-conscious feelings is an all too real fight, one that can hinder or slow the progress of many, in various ways. Those feelings can be debilitating at times, and be a poisonous addition to our minds and how we think. While being self-conscious in smaller amounts can actually be a good thing, it is when these feelings rise to extremes, or blow up into excessive amounts, that they can become negative and overbearing to our mental health and stability. Feelings of self-consciousness and self-doubt can exacerbate conditions like depression and anxiety.
I have personally dealt with overwhelming self-conscious feelings and low self-esteem, starting out in my late teen years and moving into my 30s. My battle was mostly centered around embarrassment in various scenarios; feelings of self-doubt, low self-worth and an overly intense awareness of myself. I think it is easy to say that I fell out of love with myself for a large portion of my life.
For years I worked in sales, which would often place me into uncomfortable situations in front of my coworkers. Situations like team trainings, which often included role playing scenarios, would often cause me to flat out freeze up. Being stuck in that spotlight with folks that I worked with every day was excruciating to me. Even just being on the sales floor with a manager standing nearby, listening over a conversation with a customer, was enough to make me lock up when speaking to clients.
Speaking of the spotlight, dancing and karaoke… no way—you certainly wouldn’t catch me doing either of those activities without some major liquid courage. Even at home, when I would crank up the music and start dancing around the house, all it would take was just one quick pass by a mirror to shut that dancing down. I would literally get super embarrassed, even with nobody else around.
Regardless of the situation, my mind would typically fill with thoughts of what others may be thinking of me and why. Usually, I was feeling embarrassed, like I was making a complete fool of myself—and maybe I was. Nevertheless, I became good at flying under the radar, which I feel has really held me back in the grand scheme of things.
Personally, I feel like I have always handled criticism pretty well, and honestly, always wanted to hear if people truly thought or felt ill about me, or the decisions or course of action I took. It was the unknown that worried me and made my mind wander. Usually until it landed on the most extreme possibility of how someone might feel about me, regardless if it was grounded in fact or not. When people were open and honest with me about their feelings, positive or negative, it always made me feel better; it gave me more insight, which I could work on, change, or use to better myself as a whole.
When I was younger, fearless and unembarrassed… the sky was the limit. I conquered feats that I never thought possible; likely because I was not even looking at how possible a task was or not—I just did it. I miss those days—feeling like I could do anything and go anywhere I wanted to, without the internal voice and negative monologue replaying over and over.
Self-consciousness bled into various parts of my life. Photos… oh my god, photos were the worst. I never wanted to be the subject of a photo. Nowadays, a quick breeze through my social media accounts, and viewers would likely be skeptical to find truth in that. In all reality though, I was the guy who would practically take a 200:1 ratio of photos before finding one that I was halfway willing to post onto social media. While I began using Instagram as a platform to track my fitness progress, it also helped force me out of my comfort zone with photos and posting them publicly.
Along with this, I also began caring too much about my appearance on the outside, my face and body, the clothes that I wore, and specifically my weight. I have never been one to try and impress people, but have still always had that desire to be liked or included by others. I was unwilling to wear clothes that I felt to be too “loud or out there.” If it drew too much attention my way, then I likely wouldn’t wear it. I wanted to blend in… remember that flying under the radar thing?
Then there was this ridiculous “who am I?” self-talk bit… which was and still is, one of the biggest struggles I’ve had to deal with through this process of navigating my feelings of low self-worth and self-consciousness. For example: this blog… I would often think to myself, “Who am I to write a blog/a book/a quote? I am nobody. I am not famous, and therefore I am not worth other peoples’ time and attention.” Thoughts like that derailed me left and right. Sure, I am not famous, but that does not mean I am nobody… I am certainly somebody—I am me after-all. Whether or not that makes me worthy of a persons time or not, that is up to each person, and not something I should concern myself with.
Too often we let the negative thoughts weigh us down, diminish our worth, and belittle ourselves. It is those thoughts that hold us back, or talk us out of doing something that we love and/or want to do. It is a poison that takes over, changes the way we think, and ultimately develops negative mindsets; so much, that sometimes we no longer recognize who we are anymore. That is how the love I once held for myself started to get lost in all the noise.
After starting therapy and reading numerous self-help books, I really began to gain a better understanding of how those feelings had truly impacted me and infiltrated my mind. It became evident to me that my self-consciousness and low self-esteem were directly intertwined with my anxiety. I don’t know which, if either, was the primary culprit—but damnit, it was a tango for two, and let me tell you, it brought the house down. Each one made the other worse in almost every aspect. Luckily, I did not become a spectacle of someone else’s schadenfreude, or at least that I’m aware of. If I gave someone a good laugh along the way—I am okay with that!
Finally getting a handle on my anxiety helped teach me how my own mind worked and what was most important to me. Combating my anxiety also gave me more time to work and focus on not being so self-critical all of the time. It’s said we are our own worst critics, but I was downright harsh with myself at times.
One thing that has become highly intriguing to me, is how our minds become shaped and molded over time; usually without us even realizing it. Over time, our good habits can dissipate and be replaced with negative thoughts and behaviors. Through this journey, I learned a lot about controlling and taking charge of those negative thoughts.
I began working on my “train of thought,” viewing it as just that… trains. I first had to learn how to identify my negative subconscious thoughts, which had become second nature to me. I viewed the thoughts popping into my mind, each one as a train and an associated destination. When I would catch the negative thoughts, I would view it as a train that I was unwilling to get onto and redirect that train or thought on a different route. I then hop on a train of thought that was routed to a better destination, or outcome. For me, it was usually the “what if” train, or the “who am I” train, and they were leading me to nowhere good.
Over time, I learned how to move those negative thoughts from my subconscious mind to my conscious mind, and to derail them before they derailed me. If I am losing you here, this was simply about slowing down my thought process. It was about taking a really hard look at the thoughts flowing through my mind. Frequently, thoughts can go unnoticed due to our busy lives, and our brains working on autopilot.
This tactic allowed me to start pumping the brakes on my negative thought processes. I began doing this initially to combat my anxiety, but found it to be a highly useful tool with my self-esteem and minimizing my highly critical thought process. I began using a more positive internal self-talk method. I tried formulating and using a narrative that would guide me toward success and not backward into the abyss of negativity.
This was another area of life where mindfulness meditation really played a pivotal part for me. Through meditation, I was able to quiet my mind when it would start running wild in a million different directions. If a thought was negative, I would just acknowledge it right then and there, and stop it in its tracks.
Building a new mental narrative and dialogue for myself allowed me to start opening up and loving myself once again. I have not yet grown to the exact place I want to be, but I am certainly moving in the right direction to get there. I think this will likely be an ongoing battle for me, and the key will be to hinder any new negative thoughts from forming and warding off complacency when it tries to set in.
In therapy, I was introduced to a video that I would like to share. It was a TedTalk by Brené Brown on “The Power of Vulnerability,” which then led to me watching Brené’s TedTalk “Listening to Shame.” (Links to these worthwhile videos will be added to my “Helpful Links” page on my website LoganAugust.com). I may have a slight obsession with Brené Brown’s books and videos… hopefully you’ll jump on board or get over it, one of the two.
These videos really pushed me to the point of uncovering love for myself again. I have always been a weird and quirky individual, and sometimes that fact was a very daunting one for me. What I have realized, is that some of my favorite people in life, are also just a little weird and quirky. Those people often bring new life to a situation, or make me laugh and enjoy the moments spent with them even more. Vulnerability and shame are things we usually run from, but these are unavoidable and necessary to growing as people and truly learning to love ourselves.
In life, I feel that we often want to conform to what we perceive as being “normal.” Anything outside of our perception of normal, is simply weird, and makes us feel inferior to those whom we have placed into a “normal” light. In reality we need all kinds of people and their various personalities in our life. That is what makes life exciting, and even educational, and teaches us what we want and want not to be as people.
Most importantly, we need to learn to always love ourselves and ensure that it stays a top priority. When we lose love for ourselves, it leads us down gloomy roads and hinders us from being the best version of ourselves. Each person is unique and important in some way. We may not all be liked by everyone, and we will all have our critics, but that is okay. We need to turn down the negative noise and the narratives of low self-worth and move forward with our passions and dreams. Only then, can we find ourselves and the true happiness that lies within.
As always, thank you for reading. Much Love,
Logan August