Anxiety & Me
Have you ever stopped to self reflect, and notice that you don’t even recognize who you are anymore? You try to retrace your steps, but get lost trying to even figure out how you got from point A to point B? Far too often in life, we wake-up randomly one day, and it just hits you; how the hell did I get to this point in my life?
My wake-up was was one of heaviness; a heavy heart, mind, and brokenness. My happiness had faded drastically over the years. The smile I had once worn so profoundly was nowhere in sight. I felt engulfed by stress and there was no task that went without a great deal of overthinking and anxiousness. Core values were not gone, but deeply covered up by a mess of uncertainty. Mentally and physically tired, I was rarely able to muster the energy to do things I loved. When I did, it was typically short lived, or a forced moment—digging deep for enough energy to push through.
For me, it only took one simple gesture for this wake-up call to smack me directly in the face. It occurred one day as I was sitting in a team meeting for work. A co-worker sitting beside me, slid a small note across the table toward me. I looked down and saw the note, which simply read, “are you okay?” I recall thinking to myself, “no, I’m really not okay.” That small note made me realize that I had somehow landed at a much different place in life than I had wanted. Not the wrong place physically, rather, just the wrong place mentally. I had become lost and this new insight hit me like a speeding train.
I left team meeting that day, went straight outside, and placed one of the most important phone calls of my life. The phone call was long overdue, but in August of 2019, I finally reached out and set up an appointment with a therapist. Simply just making the call brought an odd sense of relief over me. It seemed like a slight weight lifted off of my shoulders, and I knew that things finally might start to be okay again. I hadn’t even realized until that day just how “off” things had become in my life.
Once my appointment came around, I walked into the therapist’s office and was filled with mixed emotions. I was nervous and unsure of what to really expect. I had only done therapy a couple times before, shortly after going through the Joplin Tornado. My first therapy experiences were nothing memorable, and definitely nothing like I was about to encounter this time. I walked inside and got checked in for my appointment. My therapist came out and greeted me and then took me back to begin our session.
During my session, I felt like a mess, my mind was darting in way too many directions, but I was honest and laid everything out that I believed was important. After the session was over, I knew starting therapy had definitely been the right decision.
The mere fact of laying out my thoughts, and placing them in tangible conversation… making them real, if you will… made a huge difference for me. I left motivated and ready to take control of my life.
After my appointment, I went to Target on my way home and happened to walk by the book section. Books had never really called my name before, but on that day they were screaming my name. Open to some change, I walked through, browsing for a brief moment before picking up a book that nearly jumped off the shelf at me. The book was Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop, and it really stuck out to me. Right on the front cover it said “Get out of your head and into your life.” Well, that was exactly what I was trying to do at that very moment in my life. I took the book to the checkout and less than 24 hours later, I had completed reading the entire book.
Unfu*k Yourself helped me identify some aspects of myself that I needed to drastically change. It set a bunch of new goals in motion for me. This book also opened my eyes to a joy of reading that I never thought possible. I had never enjoyed reading this much, and I began buying tons of books; mostly self help style books.
I continued with therapy and it was determined that I was dealing with anxiety and maybe some depression as a result of the anxiety. It was suggested to continue doing therapy and was given an option to look into a medication as well. Typically against most medications, I ultimately decided that I needed to hit my anxiety head on, and I started taking an anxiety medication and continued therapy weekly for several months.
The medication seemed to work very well for me and I am still taking it currently. Therapy has been the biggest impact for me though. It helped shape and mold some goals and has guided my way to meeting those goals. Regular therapy sessions began to change the way I thought and even how I perceived myself. I rapidly began feeling better and became more motivated to do the things that I had previously been too tired to accomplish.
My smile and happiness started returning back to me. The sense of worry began to fade, and left me feeling more confident about myself and my decisions. After awhile, I started to recognize who I was again. I had truly lost sight of that, and it felt so good to rediscover myself.
Prior to therapy, I hadn’t stopped dreaming, but the hopes and dreams I had, seemed nearly unattainable. The therapist I was working helped me to see, that those dreams were not out of reach. I worked a lot on setting goals, and prioritizing my daily activities. Even simple things, like ensuring I ate something shortly after waking up, to help provide my body and mind with some energy. I was pushed to look deep within myself, and discover what it was I truly wanted, and to write it out and make it happen.
I began making lists, tons and tons of lists. The lists led to me realizing that journaling might be a great outlet, and boy was it ever. I purchased some journals and started writing in them quite frequently. That writing led to me starting my blog. I always knew that I wanted to author a book, but could never seem to get my thoughts in order to do so. Writing has not only been a therapeutic outlet for me, but has allowed me to finally start composing my thoughts and stories together in a cohesive manner.
Self-care started to become a top priority for me. I had never really taken care of myself this way before. Therapy brought realizations and ideas forward that somewhat started to piece the entire puzzle together for me. I think the pieces were mostly all there before, but they were all mixed up and I had no idea what the finished puzzle should look like.
Mindfulness meditation was also recommended to me. This was another thing I believed I’d never enjoy, but lo and behold, I was wrong again. Mindfulness played a huge part of me being able to deal with some of the thoughts that would take over in my mind.
I still have a lot of work to do, but simply being shown the need for self-care was life changing to me. Helping others has always been a true passion of mine, and I would venture to say, it’s my calling. Often times, I think we get so focused on wanting to help others, that we forget to take care of ourselves in the process. Prior to this experience, taking care of myself first, seemed like a selfish endeavor. What I didn’t realize, is that if I don’t take care of myself first, I would not be 100% on my “A game” and wouldn’t be giving people my best self.
That was such an important lesson for me to learn: if I cannot properly take care of myself, how can I properly take care of someone else? Anxiety had weighed so heavily on me, that I was near the edge of falling into a full on tailspin. Through therapy I was able to gain back control of my life. I was able to see that metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel, or rather, the light at the ends of many tunnels. I now have the mental and physical energy back to explore those tunnels, and without fear of failure, or all of the what-ifs in life.
All it took was one unexpected note, slid in front of me, that forced me to wake up and take charge of my life. Kind of crazy how life works, sometimes things are right in front of us, but we just have to look down and see it. I would encourage everyone who reads this to take a hard look into your own situations. One thing I have learned through this process, is that often times, things we least expect ourselves to enjoy, or to be helpful to us, can turn out to be lifesaving.
Therapy, reading, journaling, meditation, etc… may not be your desired path, but I would suggest giving them a try before discounting them altogether. It just may be the adventure of a lifetime, and strip away some of the stressors/anxiety/depression weighing down on you, like it was for me. Self-care for the win! Please, take care of yourselves and each other.
Visit my “Helpful Links” page for links to Gary John Bishop’s website and some other resources that I found to be highly helpful.
As always… Much Love,
Logan August